13 Last-Minute Strategies for Avoiding a No-Deal Brexit

1. Find, then destroy the haunted mirror Jacob Rees-Mogg returns to each night

2. Have someone beloved by the nation explain what’s happening, because nobody seems to actually know—maybe Sir David Attenborough, holding a baby sloth

3. Trap Jeremy Corbyn in his garden allotment shed; replace with pro-remain Labour leader

4. Re-set calendars so year 1 now begins with Queen Elizabeth II’s accession to the throne, giving us another 1,952 years to figure this out

5. Search archives for clues to whereabouts of the Mirror of Rees-Mogg, which is first mentioned in writings by the Venerable Bede (673 AD - 735 AD)

6. Ask other EU member states for a last-minute extension of Article 50, taking care not to do any comedic impressions of their accents (ESPECIALLY NOT the Irish)

7. Just casually carry on going about our business, the way we all are now, for some reason, and hope the rest of the world’s forgotten about it by the end of March

8. Offer Boris Johnson perpetual hosting duties on a comedy panel show of his choice in exchange for agreeing to leave politics and/or disclosing the location of the mirror

9. Bede wrote that the Mirror of Rees-Mogg communicates with an accursed realm where everything is made of tweed: “ye fruits of the earthe, fowls of the air, beasts of the field, yea, even unto the starry firmament, all beyond ye Mirror is scratchy and earthen-toned, and swelleth the eyes”; could be Scotland

10. In addition to food and medicine, stockpile enough freedom of movement and customs union to last 3-6 months

11. Call a general strike, then march en masse, forcing Parliament to acknowledge the will of the people and take decisive action lololol as if

12. Just fucking revoke Article 50 and cancel the whole thing, as the EU keeps pointedly saying we can do at ANY FUCKING TIME

13. Now that I think about it, I bet that mirror’s at Eton somewhere